Sentimental Stuff

This is probably an entry I'd delete later, only because it's going to be so depressing. I really need to vent it out because I have two exams tomorrow and yadayadablahblahblah.

So let's go, venture into the thoughts of Jackie.
The stupid, retarded thoughts of Jackie.

Tonight I realised, after a certain period of time, I still cared. Isn't that just so annoying? Lol, it's like... you're learning how to ride a bike, and the moment when you thought you had gotten a grip of it, you turn around to see stupid training wheels. So you go and remove them, and it's back to step one.

I haven't really seen anyone in awhile, but I'm happy that the last few friends I got to see was the ones I wanted to see. So there wasn't really a "oh-my-gosh-I-will-never-see-them-again" kinda thing.

I keep a notebook where I write letters to someone, and I stick a note ontop of the book that if I ever died, I'd like someone to give the book to them to read it. But come to think of it now, I don't think that they would ever want to read it. I guess it's only natural for people to want to be oblivious to stuff, it makes the world seem more innocent. It makes you feel like, you haven't done anything to anyone yet.
Like a child.

Ah, I don't know. I always thought that people could be friends after certain events. But I don't think so now. I mean, you'd say hello, how are you, hows uni, whatever.. but not the kind of person they were before when you could actually confide in them. Not even if you both have cleared it out and everything. I don't know, why is it so hard for people? I don't find it that hard. I mean, isn't it fine to just be apart of someone's life? That's all I really want to do.
I don't want to be pointed at behind my back and called "oh she's THAT girl that used to blah blah blah", I just want to be known as "The girl who is cool with being friends with people. So don't be scared of going through the thick and thin with her.. because in the end, she'd still be cool with you."

Oh my goodness. I wish I could just go to you and say something, but you're not allowing me to, and I respect that.
I know why,

it's because we can't be that kind of friend. We have to be the stupid ones who just wave.
And honestly, those kinds are the shittest rank of friends. They're worse than the ones you poke just to ask for stationary or a favor.
At least those friends who where they're standing. The waving friends are kinda like "er... so, can we hang out? Or are we stuck waving and talk about nothing while we secretly want to ask a million questions?"